The older I get, the more I realize talking to God is way easier than trying to keep conversations with people. What’s worse than someone lying to your face? That someone sleeping with you is giving you guilt bull shit as if his unhappiness is your fault. Hey, I’m grateful for the good he’s done… The cubbs are the only thing I can give him credit for… Unfortunately, he just falls short too short ;P

For a long time, I allowed someone to keep me delusional about the idea of friendship. Methinks he must’ve forgotten I’m not into “frienifits” [friends with benefits]. Being betrayed by the person you love will draw the line… the end of the line. Whatever this is between us have gone beyond its expiration date =[

LiKE A WORN-OUT RECORDiNG OF A FAVORiTE LOVE SONG

So, ya… I officially hate the other sex now… Just like most men, M is a walking false advertisement. Of course he won’t admit that he’s lied from the beginning. What grinds my gear is the fact I let him get away with too much and I just allowed him to make a fool out of me. When I look at him, he makes me sick to my stomach! For years, I worked hard to keep this relationship stronger, even sacrificing numerous times without him acknowledging that fact. Later, I realized that things meant to be would run smooth as butter. Ours shan’t be the case. File this under “life lessons learned…”

Eventually, the pot overflows and one gets tired of all the abuse. It’s time to walk away, close this chapter, and just let him go forever. Otherwise, I am preventing a new door with a true, honest man on the other side to open. Honestly, he’s done more damage than good in my life. I look back at my diary and I can barely count the happy faces… Not even good enough… I’m not bashing, just telling the truth. Why did I hold on? Why did I hope that there’s a good man inside? Why did I pray so hard for him to change for the better? All these questions are keeping me chained in a prison cell instead of moving on. Time to change the channel!!!

I’ve only had one bf before M and that break up was horribad. There are rituals for a post-break-up that I’m supposed to expect but dreading. So far, there are no binge-eating or moments of depression. I will say this tho, once I’ve set my mind to forget about you… I will. That’s the reason why I do not have close friends either. M burned thru all his chances to be my friend. It’s been too real, but rarely good…

This is just a set back, which sets me up for a come back. There are no feelings of despair or disdain. Hardly… He’s not worth my time anymore. He does not deserve me or my love. On the contrary, I’m empowered and excited to have my own space and life back. No more controlling strings or stipulations of what a friendship should be. As I learn to forgive myself for this mistake, the self sabotage subsides while the encouragement strengthens my spirit.

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