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Respect yourself enough to walk away from anyone or anything that no longer satisfies your spirit, enriches your growth, & wakes you happy.

revised from a more selfish quote, my take on it.

According to the 434-line Modernist poem by T. S. Eliot,

“April is the cruellest month” (its first line).
“I will show you fear in a handful of dust” (last line).

it makes many a sense
that the hardest thing to do in life is to say goodbye.
what follows is the hardest test in life;
how to accept living
and go on with a broken heart.

in many ways,
iM beginning to understand we cant have all that we want,
but all that we need is always given,
this past week has been the usuaL unpredictable houston weather.
it was mostly humid and unbearabLy hot.
there were days when the rain was biting cold and very unforgiving.
however, it is always followed by the sunlight breaking thru siLver clouds.

for instance,
i can wallow and wail inside meeh about losin love yet again.
iM saddened because it was a good one.
the kind where you hope they could love you forever.
oR i couLd enjoy this passing moment;
this brief bliss of being alive still,
2feel hurt,
2face pain.
i choose the later.

this is where i am at.
it’s the moment just before i close my eyes to sleep;
when i stare in the dark.
contemplating today’s choices,
i wouLd wait for morning.
it’s like silence…
complete w/screaming echoes.

~originally written on Sunday, September 28, 2003. revisiting for personal purpose. i found it on a napkin, tucked within the pages of a blue, medical dictionary… it fell on me as i frantically fix my interwebs connection =(

Camera shutters.
It feels awesome when you’re in the act of breaking your own rules, doesn’t it?
Every wall you’ve built to protect yourself vanished at his first allure.
The tables were turned, Eve.
The rush of sweet sugary candy coated promises you were seduced to.
You acted like an animal, but proving what makes you human is your ability to take a risk.
When you seize the mundane, and become a part of something you don’t know, will you wonder its worth?
When you’re given an opportunity to be a rockstar for the night and satisfy that dream you’ve never shared a soul to,
did he answer your question:
“when you lie at night, what’s missing?
Will you be able to handle the post spiral shame that you must medicate with mango margaritas?
Will you persevere through your decision? lack of judgement?

Only when I was left confoozled than anything.
There are no more men with values.
Ok. Maybe the meditating monks or some hopeless romantics like me out there.
I’m almost as bitter as the undiluted salty sauce,
at the bottom of my sweating, almost empty chalice.
Not exactly sure how I feel about all the stages of grief I’ve been put through.
But, I’ve come to accept, I’ve been played.

What happens when you find yourself insignificant?
i mean, truly.
when the person you have been in love with

isn’t in love with you.
he doesn’t even care;

just borderline concerned.

he survived before he met you;
and, he’d still be living the same way when you leave.

Reminder: “What you want is what you get.”

– January 2005


I was cleaning out my closet earlier this week when I found this on a table napkin I wrote five years ago. Although it’s been ages that I’ve chosen to forget why I wrote it, it felt appropriate and odd. It’s probably because I find myself in the same situation again. I’m not necessarily in love or hurt by anyone right now. Hardly. Life is good! Actually, I’m just thinking déjà vu style. A very good friend is undergoing her metamorphosis. They say that if you do not learn your lesson the first time, the similar circumstances will keep repeating themselves until you do. After all, one’s expiration date is supposedly pre-ordained even before the first breath is drawn. It’s so, and nothing more to be said.

Right now, I’m thinking…

I can’t be with someone that has an irreversible rejection of life. You shouldn’t either.

there is some reason
that i’m enjoying life like this
maybe it’s the spring breeze
that a slight intoxication has entered me
you are the blossoming smile on my lips these days

After enjoying such a superb soap,
I was captured by the poet Hyun Jong Jung ‘s
poem entitled ‘all moments be flower buds.’

I sometimes have regrets for
that incident could have been a treasure.
That person at the time,
That thing at the time,
could have been a jewel

I should have been more deeply involved,
I should have asked and spoken more,
I should have listened more intently
I should have loved more passionately

Like a mute,
Like a deaf,
Did I let them pass?
Just stood idly,
Like an absent-minded person
I should have loved that moment more ardently

Every moment is everything.
A flower bud
that will blossom as much as my ardor!


literally means

“dried fish,”

a Japanese expression

used in one of my fave J-drama “Hotaru No Hikari”

to describe the main character,

a woman in her 20s

who has renounced the pursuit of romance.

Thots on turning thirty:

that makes me a “dried up woman?”

Someone said once:

that women are like Christmas cakes. After the 25th, they belong in bargain bins.”

Further added:

“Almost the 31st… pretty soon it’ll pass midnight and that’s a new year for you.”

Allow me to pimp-slap that fool.

I try not to live in fear; however, AGiNG seriously scares me to death.

Since I turned 13, I was anxious about all the major markers: 21, 25, 30, 40.

Childhood memories of my hunched over maternal great grandmother in her 90’s left me with quite an impression that summer.

Instead of listening to the exposed roots of an ancient tree’s advice, I stared at her sun spots and skin tags, wondering what was written in those wrinkles around her eyes.

Taking care of the neglected elderly of America did not help either.

Before,  I used to proudly brand myself  forever 21

Wenzdai even gave me a James Avery charm for shamelessly saying so.

Today, I told classmates I shall be 25 for the next few years,

regardless of how many times the youngins will try to correct me.


I’m Asian, I can pull it off, right?

Hey, isn’t the 80’s horribly com!ng back?

Gosh, I just had a RDA flashback o.O

[McGyver theme song blares in the back]

I talked to someone earlier today for 2.5 hours 0.o
regarding how hard it was to find the other half of your heart.
HUH?!?!?!? WTF!
Why would you believe that stupid Tom Cruise line, “you complete me.”
She got hurt, then mad
when I told her that it is a problem to think you need to have another person to complete yourself.
That’s a Hallmark Cards ploy…

As if i didn’t have enough to deal with in school…
Not really interested in finding my soul mate right now, anyway.
I also don’t understand why getting married before 30 is such a big deal in Asian culture.
At my sister’s wedding, the host pointed out that
“I’m single and very available…”
Broadcasted in English then Chinese!
That was most embarrassing (´_`*) “
Honestly, I thot that I’m actually a better person for not having kids or a husband.
bwahahahaha, I’m just glad my mother doesn’t stress me as much as hers.

Shoot me if my K-or-J-drama addict self still blindly believe that Daniel Henney

is going to propose to me one day ;P
drooooLing @ his hotness teeheehee

Ergo, unless that happens… access denied!

She said that men are too difficult to deal with.

I don’t think that it was supposed to be easy.
Not enough flavors would prove to be too boring.
Remember, I always said:
to go ahead and collect
and collect enough
until you can select

Of course, I don’t mean you ought to go on a dating frenzy or sleep around.
I just want you’all to experience, learn, try, and taste something new.
There is no guarantee, for nothing is perfect… gablah blah blah…
Your soulmate is not supposed to make you super happy, he/she is supposed to challenge you so you can grow to the best you can be.
That’ll mean “discussions”, compromise, head pains, heartaches, and sacrifice.

Here’s what I strongly believe:

Dating = “Meet” Market

Although it might be shocking to know I’m conservative when it comes to relationships,
you must go shopping for the right person.
In order to meet “the one” for you, you have to talk to a lot of people, make a lot of offers, counter offers, negotiate, reject, and accept.
I seriously wanted to start handing out application forms because I was getting tired getting all these losers and a**holes.
Why shouldn’t I have prerequisites for a serious merger?
In the end, I think I’ve made a pretty smart choice by taking a bold step forward.

And, please, DO NOT sell yourself short.
First dates or convos are supposed to be like first interviews.
So what if I choose not to have a second one?
You deserve to be picky; we’re not penguins.
Imagine GOD loves you very, very much…
Think about the level of unconditional love He has for you and that no one else can come close.
If you keep that in mind, maybe you’ll use your head more than your heart.
[I should listen to my advice, eh?]

Why do single people sit at home and wait for the phone to ring?
Friend, I doubt “your prince charming” is dropping from heaven.
You ain’t Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie, right?
You’d best go to the market,
even it it’s only the supermarket or Wally’s World lang.

Everything in life is a process.

Act now, but wisely.

His 30th birthday passed.
And, just like the hurricane, black out.
I received no calls.

I can still feel pieces of him piercing my hurting heart, but not leaving as deep of a wound as he did for the past four suffocating years.
Tears are threatening to well up my tired eyes, but I summon strength from somewhere above and remind myself I ought to go to sleep to avoid poofy eyes in the morning.
There is much to be said of weakness shadowing greatness because it could easily overpower anything depending on where the sunlight hits.
It is a cycle I am trying desperately to diffuse, praying hard that each moment shall leave me standing straight with my shoulders back and head high.
I long for brighter days, not dragging days where I can barely get up out of bed and become engulfed by daydreams or relived sad sentiments.
There is a fighter inside me wanting to explode in magnificent beauty, like a butterfly’s grace after hibernating inside a cocoon.

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